I'm Struggling, and it's OK.

The Fair was Amazing... not that my face shows it. 🤣

Hi gorgeous people,

I’m struggling — and it’s ok.

I could post another relentlessly happy piece about how I’ve got my shit together… or I could tell you the truth. That sometimes I do have it together, and sometimes it's more like I’m chasing demented ducks who think being "in a row" means line dancing.

Tomorrow, I might feel like I did last weekend — like, damn, I’m amazing. My new booklet kicks ass, everyone loves it, I sold out at the fair, and people can see I’ve got something of value to offer.

Or I might feel like I did when I tallied up all the weight me and my clients have lost — over 280kgs, FYI.

Or I might feel like I do right now: like a mess who’s trying his best and battling some old demons. Wanna hear a few?

“Why the hell would anyone listen to you — you’re still fat.”

I am. I started at 265kgs, got down to 115kgs, and have kept it off. But that delightful BMI scale (which has very little to do with actual health) still labels me “obese.”

Meanwhile, I walk 5 to 10kms every day, my blood sugars are measuring like I’m a teenage dirtbag 😅, and despite repeated vampire attacks (aka blood tests), they keep finding nothing wrong. I’m on track to live well past my 50s and 60s — which, let’s be honest, didn’t look likely four years ago.

I know, logical brain. I know. But I’m feeling feels, so screw you.

“You’ve pissed away all your money and you’re irresponsible.”

Maybe. I’ve spent a lot of money not having a job and getting trained to do something I love. I haven’t made much yet... and yeah, there’s a chance I won’t.

But — and I won’t labour the point — I’ve saved my life. And I’m pretty sure I’ve helped save at least three others. Through mastering change. Addressing bullshit. Getting fitter.

Losing weight. If I ever go back to my old job, I’ll be so much better at it that I’ll stop "solutioning the crap" out of people. (You’re welcome.)

Yeah, yeah — but I’m still allowed to feel like crap. Logic, stand down.

“You should be asleep, you idiot. You’ve got a meeting with a GP’s office in the morning and need to be all singing, all dancing by 9am.”

True. I should be. It’s a big deal — these people might trust me enough to refer clients, to work with me to help people save their own lives.

And here I am, about to show up like a hungover wannabe.

But let’s not forget — after years of gaslighting myself into thinking I’m an introvert, the truth is I’m an extrovert. I’ll shine like a new penny when it counts. I’ve got the goods: the process, the Change Journal, the success stories. I’m not going there to tell them how to do their jobs — I’m going to help them help their clients. To fill a gap in modern medicine: prevention, not just cure.

And people like you, you loveable dickhead — people like you. Even if you struggle to believe it.

Alright, alright. I’ll stop beating myself up. Just go to sleep already.

...Maybe I will. But first — how about I post this blog at 2am? 🤣